Why on earth am I awake?

It’s 3:47 AM and my sweet girl will be waking up any minute to be fed. Why on earth am I awake? I wish I knew. It could be the chocolate I ate just before bed.

I have always (and I mean always) wanted to be a mom. Here I am as a two-year-old feeding my baby brother. Clearly, I’m a natural. 😉

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In elementary school, I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up, thanks to my awesome second grade teacher, Mrs. Strickland. When I hit middle school, that dream was quickly crushed. School wasn’t so fun anymore. In high school, I decided I wanted to become a corporate lawyer, by process of elimination. Inspiring, isn’t it?

All the while, I still wanted to be a mom, but the pressure to “know what you want to be when you grow up” and pick a college degree forced me to consider my career aspirations, or at least make some up. I started out majoring in Business Administration with a plan to go to law school. It took me less than a year to decide that I did not want to be in school for more than four years. So, I switched to Finance; I figured if I was going to stop at a Bachelors Degree, it should at least be a little more specialized. Maybe I could own my own business one day. A clothing store, perhaps? I always thought it’d be fun to own a store that sold hardware and dresses. Bizarre, I know. As time went on, it became more and more apparent that my career aspirations… just weren’t. I wanted to be a mom. (Don’t get me wrong, I loved my college experience, though I do take serious issue with our culture of student loan debt, but that’s a topic for another day.)

Fast forward to February of this year. I’ve just spent the last hour opening beautiful gifts from sweet friends and family in preparation for our little girl. I’m standing outside the church with my mom and a few close friends. I confess, “What if after I have this baby I realize that I wasn’t really cut out to be a mom? What if the one thing I’ve wanted to do for the last 27 years isn’t really what I want to do?!” Of course, they just laugh and point out the ridiculousness of my fears. “But really…,” I think, “what if I can’t do this? What if I don’t enjoy it?”

It’s now May 11th and my baby girl is almost eight weeks old. I’m here to tell you – I love it. I adore it. I was made for this. God put a yearning in my heart years ago that He has been so faithful (as always) to fulfill. I’m already thinking about baby #2. This is so fun.

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It’s now 4:36 AM (I took a brief writing break to feed baby girl). Why on earth am I awake? I think it’s because today is my first Mother’s Day, and it feels just a little bit like Christmas.


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