Both of the girls are upstairs in their rooms. L is working on a 2+ hour nap. K is singing. I’ll take singing over yelling, which has been our normal lately.
I cried on Monday. Like a really ugly, loud, snotty cry as I told Chris: I can’t do this. I am so bad at being a mom. My two year old hates me. She doesn’t listen to or care about anything I say. I yelled too much today. The inner voice in her head for the rest of her life is going to be me yelling. I’ve ruined her life. If I had known how hard this would be…
He held me and encouraged me.
Tuesday was better. Wednesday was hard.
Today, both girls slept a little later.
Then, I read a blog post called Walk Slowly, Mama. Go on, mamas, read it.
Satan likes to make us feel like we’re alone in our struggles. How many times have I thought that I’m the only one whose house is this dirty… or that I’m the only one who completely loses it when their toddler pees in her pants, while sitting on her feet, so her socks are completely soaked through and then instead of going straight to the bathroom like she was told, she walks all over the house with her pee-soaked socks (oh wait, is that really just me?)… or I’m the only one who wears the same clothes for two days in a row…
Useless, tired, messy, incompetent, inadequate… these are the things that I feel on a daily basis.
But you know what? I am not the only one. And Jesus is gentle. And I am inadequate. But Paul says that God’s grace is sufficient and that His power is perfected in weakness. Like the blog post said and many others have pointed out, my kids don’t need me to be perfect–they need me to show them Jesus and what better way to do that than if they see me mess up, repent, and live in the grace and forgiveness that is offered to me through Him?
Rest. And be content in your life. I always dreamed of being a mom and, though it’s different, I don’t think I had a completely unrealistic idea of what it would look like–but the world sneaks in and tells you that it’s not enough. That you need more. That you deserve more. But I’m convinced that this thing I’m doing–this raising little people to be lovers of Jesus and others–is beautiful and precious and a dream come true. ❤