I Must Decrease

I recently put into words these two thoughts about myself (warning: they aren’t pretty):

  • I would rather be a “lesser” version of myself than allow God to change me, because I fear that I will be expected to always be the changed/improved/better version of myself and when I fail, I will be a disappointment.
  • I tend to self-preserve and “fight for my rights” more than I should, because I am afraid that if I don’t, I will disappear.

Ugly, right?

This morning was a hard one.  We go to the local pregnancy care center, where I work part-time, on Tuesday mornings.  L got up at 4:30 AM and wouldn’t go back to sleep.  K woke up at the height of emotion–everything was a crisis.  And then she had an accident–before she even ate breakfast.  So, I decided we would stay home and try again another time.

As I was folding laundry, I began praying.  Praying for God to redeem the day.  Then I started praying about the thoughts I shared above.  Specifically, the second one.  This passage came to mind:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”  Matthew 5:3

Jesus did not fight for His rights.  He served.  He loved.  He did not defend Himself to avoid the cross.  The truth is–if by serving, loving, giving, I “disappear,” but Jesus appears, what could be better than that?

“He must increase, but I must decrease.”  John 3:30

How does this happen?  By immersing yourself in the Word of God, praying always, and the power of the Holy Spirit.

Parenting brings out my ugly like nothing ever has.  I’m so thankful for God’s constant pursuance and that I stand holy and blameless before Him in Christ.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him.”  Ephesians 1:3-4

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